Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Warning: Satire


WASHINGTON, D.C.--In an off-the-cuff remark to the White House press corps today, President Bush accused Democratic presidential candidate Senator John Kerry of "wearing flip-flops."

"Look at what he's done in the Senate," Bush said. "My opponent is a flip-flopper. The American people need to know that as their second President, I will never wear flip-flops."

When asked by a reporter whether he meant to say that Senator Kerry "flip-flopped" by changing his mind on policy issues, a flustered Bush replied, "The world needs to know that I mean what I say."

Senior administration officials later declined to say whether the President had made a mistake. Instead, a press release issued by the White House declared that "President Bush strongly opposes open-toe footwear. In these dangerous times, the American people need a leader who can fill the President's shoes. Clearly, the only man who can is the President."

Another senior administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, later said that President Bush wears loafers without socks around the office and cowboy boots while on vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, but "never, ever flip-flops." When asked which kind of shoe the President prefers at home, the official replied "loafers." But he later revised his statement and changed Bush's preference to "boots." Again speaking on condition of anonymity, another source close to the President's campaign said that in a quickly assembled focus group, "loafers" had not polled well.

Responding to President Bush's criticisms, Senator Kerry said, "The President has had a problem with shoes for some time now. First it's loafers, then it's boots. Which is it going to be? There is no Booted States of America, or Flip-Flopped States of America. There is only the United States of America."

A campaign advisor for Kerry also told reporters that "Senator Kerry is a strong man who wears strong shoes."

It was too early to say how the flap over flip-flops would affect the polls, but political experts did not rule out the possibility that the incident could affect the critical "Beach Bum vote" in the November elections.

Collective Improvisation:

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